Uncivilized, and the Meaning of a Cell Phone

I saw a ridiculous thing the other day. Oddly enough, I'd never seen this before. I was attending an educational presentation (in an auditorium, no less!) being put on by my boss--strictly voluntary, seriously. Not a whole lot of new material, but it never hurts to have a quick refresher on some basic technologies.

So my boss (actually my boss twice removed--the next level up from my direct supervisor, such that I find myself calling him my "liege lord", the guy above him being "uberboss") is giving this presentation, edumacating the lot of us (most work for the company, and there were a few other interested parties around), and one of our guys...

...This is one of those guys with a beltful of electronic communications equipment. Couple of cellphones, a pager, one of those wireless email thingies. He's not a nerd like that, it's just that the people he answers to are, well, demanding. And he himself is rather addicted to these things. We see these people everywhere, right? I don't have to descend into cliche, do I? And since the people he answers to are so demanding, he's demanding of us, but not in any interesting technical way. Has a habit of dropping names and demanding that slow processes go faster by benefit of those names. When the literary community coined the phrase "a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part", it was for this guy...

This guy's cellphone goes off (*rrrring!*). Fine, okay, that happens. So you better turn it off or put it on vibrate, right? Nope, he checks to see who's calling (*rrrring!*). Then he answers it! And then carries on a conversation! The dude's sitting like two rows from the front. My boss very studiously ignores the half-conversation going on while he's trying to talk. The guy completes his conversation and hangs up. So he must have set it on vibrate, right? Please. While he's checking his email on his little wireless email thingy, his phone rings again! Same routine as before. This time my boss stops the presentation and looks in that direction to ask "oh, was there a question?" The guy doesn't take the hint, but points at his phone!!! Because he's trying to talk! Then he (oddly enough) left, only to come back 10 minutes later.

Life's so dull at work, this has been the lunchtime talk for two days. The gall! Now, thing is, there was a time when cellphones and cell service were so expensive that only your company's VIP's had them. And they surely didn't hand those numbers out--that was privileged information. Expensive! But you had to reach these guys, you know? Cellphones were a symbol of power. Here was a guy that was so important the company literally could not wait a few hours or days for him to get back to the office.

[Editor's note: That Cingular commercial with the guy who is trying to talk to you, but he keeps answering his phone, is on. This is NOT a good PR move, Cingular. Do you think people want to be like that guy? Do you think they want him in their homes even though they get quite enough of him at work, restaurants, and the movies?]

Cellphones are not a symbol of power anymore. Hell, pagers, the cheaper predescessor of constant contact, were associated with drug dealers a decade ago. Now cellphones, pagers, and those stupid wireless email thingies are cheap and plentiful. They're a quick and easy way to keep otherwise inconveniently-located people on a leash. What a great scam! They can pay you (for example) $35k/yr and you come to work 8 hours a day. But you know, you were gonna come to work anyway. What's great is, when you're holding the leash, you still only have to pay this guy $35k/yr but you can call him at home, in the movies, in restaurants, you know, whenever the mood strikes you. Mosquitoes are to cellphones as West Nile Virus is to the disease called workaholism.

Usually, being a workaholic meant one was highly motivated and generally bright enough to work independently for hours on end. These were guys who knew the computers they worked on backwards and forwards. Hell, they had to because the computer guy worked for IBM and cost $500 a call or whatever. They might ask for a stack of info from their staff at 4:30 because they were planning on working until 7. And they'd be back in the office at 6pm in the morning.

These guys were awesome--they made businesses successful. Smart, driven, and responsible. Maybe they were ambitious, maybe they took deep personal satisfaction from serving their company. Maybe the company was theirs and they took deep personal satisfaction from running it! Maybe one led to the other? Not unthinkable.

Then something changed. These people who took deep personal satisfaction from working decided that everyone under them should feel this same sense of deep personal satisfaction. Keep in mind the reason such high achievers were extraordinary is because most people (though not disliking work or their jobs) would rather not be at work. Personally, I like my job. You know what I like better? Unfiltered internet access. Watching TV. Watching Star Wars on DVD. Sitting in a La-Z-Boy. Not answering the phone. I may pull a couple of extra hours a week, but that's just avoiding traffic. But what happens if your workaholic boss thinks that all right-thinking people are like him? You're in for it. Hell, it's cheap to slap some shackles on a few employees for instant access 24/7.

I mean, really, what else would they be doing with their time that's less valuable than whatever you're doing? What could be more important than The Company? Well, if you can't answer that question, and aren't introspecting, I hope there's a special place in Hell for you. You are the match that leads to burnout. Still, next time you puzzle over your turnover figures, you might want to check back to this article. Just to read the part where I tell you there's a special place in Hell for you.